I have been posting pictures of my dad on facebook and I realised I cant take pictures with him anymore.
He wont be present at functions anymore.
He'll never tease me for taking so many photographs anymore.
I wont see him anymore.

Did you know when people appear in your dreams, it's because that person misses and wants to see you. - TIME magazine

I dreamt of my dad last night.
Does he miss me?

I really didnt have anything to say but I have alot to say today.
I feel really sad.
There's not a day I have not cried int hese 21 days.
I feel so fucked up.
Like I'm depressed.
And I dont like it at all.
I dont wanna feel like this.
I dont wanna feek sad all my life.
I know I need time to believe that he wont come back again and also time to get back to business, but how long more?
Its going to be a month.
I just cant take this anymore.
I miss him.
And I cant believe there's gonna be more such days.
My entire life without him.
This is so unrealisticly unbelievable.

I dont know what to write.

Hurt
By: Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

What is your best trait?

My Result: Joyfulness
You light up a room with your smile and laughter, and people gravitate to you because of your joyfulness. You love life and get excited about all it has to offer. You love to cheer people up and give them encouragement when they are down. Your bubbly personality and gen...uine smile brighten up peoples' day. Your positive attitude helps lighten up those who take life too seriously. You know how to have fun, let loose, be spontaneous. Be it life's greatest experiences or just the small simple details of life, you soak it all up and it inspires everyone around you.

Ten days already.
How fast can time fly?
I still can’t come to terms with it.
It’s only in these ten days that I realise that many people actually care about me and I must hang in there, for all the people who love me so much.
I feel really amused that such things can even change people's attitudes towards us. People who used to be so rude are saying that they’ll always be there and are apologising for being that way. And also, people whom I used to be unhappy with seem like better beings and I realise I do love and care about them, even though I used to think I dislike them.
I cried in class today, something that I swore I wouldn’t do. However, when Miss Simone talked about her family, I just couldn’t take it. She opened me up in a way. She’s the only person who asked me how I feel and what I am afraid of right now. That helped, not in a big way but at least a little.
And then later today, I was asking my sister to dress up for racial harmony day and she said, for what? Still griefing what. And I just gasped, I couldn’t help it. I had actually forgotten that he had passed away. And I started crying again. That sucked, really.
Everything sucks. I feel sucky.

Hey Miss Azizah,

We’re coping better now but it was so sudden that in these ten days, I sometimes forget he’s gone.
What happened was that he had an heart attack. He’s heart simply stopped. Even on Tuesday, I had been talking to me. We had a long talk about football and all.
And even on Wednesday morning he had been fine. But at around 9am, the airport police found him at the taxi queue at changi airport coz he’s taxi wasn’t moving in the queue. He’s heart had already stopped by then. But then the paramedics revived him but since there was no oxygen being sent to his brain after his heart stopped, his brain was damaged. So even if he had survived, he would have remained as a vegetable all his life.
He gradually slipped away, we were there when he passed on, it seemed like some tamil movie, seriously. I still can’t believe it also. Any time I’m expecting him to walk through the door and scold me.
Talking about how he passed on makes me accept and understand the situation better and so thank you so much for asking me. It makes me feel better. And I really think I need time, for everything to sink in coz even if I can accept it, I cannot believe it.
Omggg, I feel like I'm talking too much, really. Take care too Miss Azizah. I seriously cant afford to lose anyone anymore.

Kanages

Wow, one week already.
I still can’t believe it, really.
This is the first time I’ve not seen him for a whole week.
When he works longer shifts, at least he’d call.
But now, even that is not going to happen.
One week and counting.
More weeks to come and that’s going to have some getting used to.
But thank you to everyone for being here for me; I’d never make it through without all of you.

It has been four days already, and I cant help but wonder how I'm gonna survive the next four months, the next four years.
I still cant beleive it, I just feel like telling random people and tell them how awesome my dad was even though he was such a bitch most of the times.
That's what that made him my dad right? I mean if people as me who my dad was, I can only say this much things coz that was what he was, like how I am, like how everybody has a personality.
I dont know, everything is so confusing, really.

"I'll Stand By You"

By: Carrie Underwood

Oh why you look so sad
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you're mad get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

Oh I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you

Why so soon?
He hasnt seen me graduate.
He hasnt seen my sister get married.
He hasnt even seen Bala get his PSLE Cert.
Its not fair, its too soon.
He has gone so suddenly, what the hell am I gonna do?
He fucking died.
Appa, I've bitched about you many a times in this blog but I love you and no, you havent died.
You're with me and amma and akka and Bala.
With all of us.
Its just too soon.
May you rest in peace.
I'll love you forever and ever.

WTF, Seriously?
I have no idea what's wrong with him.
It has been so long since I talked to him and yes, I miss him alot.
Even if nothing can happen between us, atleast I want us to remain as friends for many many more years.