Sunday, September 26, 2010
For the past week, when I wake up in the morning, there’s only one thought running through my mind. Is Appa back? I know it is going to be almost three months since I last saw him but after sleepless nights trying to convince myself that he is gone, all I can think about now is; when will he be back? Why isn’t he back yet? What’s taking him so long? The first month was easier, people trying to console us, trying to sympathise with us and remembering their good old times with him. Those gestures helped me remember that he was dead. That I don’t have a dad anymore. That I am grieving.
But now, the only thing that reminds me that he is gone forever is his photo hung in our living room. Nothing else. It’s like he’s still here, laughing with us as always. And I always find myself including him in our conversation like he’s at work. And then everyone stares at me and then I bite my tongue, realising that he’s no more. He is no more. Now I know how it really feels to miss a person. You just sit there, talking about how he did this and said that and then you start tearing in silence because it hurts. Somewhere in your heart, there’s this abyss and it gives you a nagging feeling that you cannot get rid of. And you just want to shut it all out. Nothing matters and the only thing that does is the fact that he’s gone. Forever. Never am I going to see him again. Not today, not tomorrow. Not for my birthday. Not for my graduation. Not for my wedding. Not when I need him. Never. And there’s nothing you can do but cry and cry because that’s the only thing that seems to be the solution. Yes, all you do is cry. And all I do is cry. I can’t bear to look at his photos anymore. It just reminds me the awful truth. I can never take photos with him again. He’s never going to tease me for taking so many photos. I miss his voice. I miss the feel of his legs. I miss his taxi. I miss scolding him. I miss calling him Appa. Who am I going to call Appa now? I have no Appa.
Where is my father? Doesn’t he know that I miss him and that I have forgiven him for everything and that I love him so much? Where the fuck is he?
4:22 AM
Monday, September 20, 2010
My Sixth Sense: Clairsentient
Feeling is your sixth sense. Called clairsentient (clear feeling), your inner voice is one that touches on your empathetic nature. What does this mean? Well, you're probably the most emotional of your friends and you are very in touch with the feelings of others. As a clairsentient, you often know something is wrong because you experience an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach (or the opposite for good things). It might be that your friend has had a bad day--but hasn't told anyone--and somehow you just know what's going on. Often this type of intuitive knowledge cannot be explained. We bet you've got a bunch of friends, and who wouldn't want a friend that just knows without being told especially on those bad days.
2:34 AM
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Why?By: Nicole NordemanWe rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes
So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more then he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why?
Why does everyone want him to die?
Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross
And it said father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?
This crown of thorns hurts me more then it shows
Father please can't you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry's
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why?
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?
My precious son
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hour
I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cries
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful lies
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die
4:47 AM
Sunday, September 12, 2010
On a bad hair day,With body aching like no ones businessAnd sniffing like a mad childStudying like the world's gonna end tomorrowJust when I look the worst rightI will have to see the most cutest guys
11:51 PM
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Cute
By: Stephan Jerzak
Your eyes are blue like the ocean
And baby I'm lost out at sea
Did the sun just come out or did you smile at me
I've been trying to ask you but I can't seem to speak
Was it love at first sight 'cause I walked by last week
I'm singing Fa la la la la
Your lips look so lonely
Would they like to meet mine
You are the one that I've been hoping to find
You're so sweet that you
Put Hersheys out of business
Can I have a photograph to show my friends that
Angels truly exist
I'm singing Fa la la la la
You're as cute as a button
The things you do sure are something
Are you running out of breath
From running through my head all night
Is there something in your eye, oh
wait, it's just a sparkle
Can you get a little closer
And help me out a little bit
I scraped my knee fallin' for you
But baby a kiss will do
I'm singing Fa la la la la la
You're as cute as a button
The things you do sure are something
Are you running out of breath
From running through my head all night
I'm falling in love and wouldn't I like to think so
And every night I look at the stars out my window
And I hope I can see
The one that we saw together
It was just you and me and honestly
I'll look for that star forever
I'm falling in love and wouldn't I like to think so
And every night I look at the stars out my window
And I hope I can see
The one that we saw together
It was just you and me and honestly
I'll look for that star forever
You're as cute as a button
The things you do sure are
something
Are you running out of breath
From running through my head all night
You're as cute as a button
The things you do sure are
something
Are you running out of breath
From running through my head all night
One day, I'll sing this sing with my love, One day.
♥Kanages
1:47 AM
Friday, September 10, 2010
Images of you run in my head.
Tears rush down my cheeks;
Memories of you make me weak.
I can’t help but to weep, therefore I cry myself asleep.
When I awake, I feel my heart break.
Under the cover, knowing me and you are over.
Holding back my tears, wishing you were here.
I thought you were the one for me,
But I guess it wasn't meant to be getting ready for the pain to start,
Smiling to cover my broken heart.
Still in my heart will be,
A special place for you and me.
8:49 PM
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I never knew about him till he died.
But Rest in Peace, Shanker.
11:44 PM
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Okay what is your problem?
Everything I do is wrong.
Even if it’s right, you find it wrong.
And whatever you say is right.
It’s like I’m a laughing stock.
Everyone laughed at me.
Just because I laugh at myself, it does not mean I let others laugh at me for every single thing.
Why must I give in all the time?
It’s like you can say anything and everything and I should just keep my mouth shut.
You are the reason why I am the luckiest but you are also the reason why I am the unluckiest.
You realise you get everything because you came first.
And you don’t even give in.
I’m the unlucky one, not you.
I’m the damned one.
10:04 PM
3 more days and it will be two months.
Only two months.
I have no idea how I am going to survive for another two more months.
I know that I have come this far and all but it is tearing me down.
I miss my dad. A lot and a lot.
I have stopped talking about him to people.
I know that it will either make them sad or they’ll think that I’m going crazy.
I feel lost.
Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I say, reminds me of him.
Every movement is empty.
Because he is not here.
I have been holding this in because I don’t want to cry in front of my family.
A family without my dad.
But today I read someone’s blog and she had lost her mom six months ago and I can’t help but cry.
Why must God be so cruel?
Why must he give us this life filled with distractions and then pluck it away?
Just like that?
It’s as if it’s so simple.
But it’s not. Not at all.
As I am crying now, I remember the times my dad used to scold me for crying.
And that we should cry only when someone dies.
Well Appa, you’re dead, can I cry now?
Cry like there’s no tomorrow?
I just cant believe this is happening in my life.
I used to always think what life would be like when someone I love so much passes away.
Now I know.
Life would be cruel.
And you have to go on like nothing’s wrong because time and tide waits for no man.
And there will be this missing puzzle piece that will always be missing.
You will never find it.
You can never find it.
Grief cannot be compared, that is one thing I learnt.
It’s like my life has become a sitcom, with a complication or a conflict waiting to be solved.
There is no solution but you can heal.
Slowly.
There will always be that gaping abyss but atleast the pain will subside, sooner or later.
And I am waiting for that sooner or later.
God knows when it’ll be but I pray it be faster because this pain is getting too much to handle.
Because my dad isn’t here to make me smile anymore.
And may these tears reach him and give him this message:
I miss you.
And I am angry with you.
For leaving us like this.
For leaving me like this.
For not saying goodbye.
For not coming back again.
But I know, that you were in too much of pain and you couldn’t handle it.
It’s okay.
I’ll handle it.
I know I’m crying a lot and you don’t like it but its only for awhile.
I’ll pull myself together.
You just be happy, in a place that I cant see.
Take care of yourself and don’t worry about us.
And I will always love you, Appa.
♥Kanages
1:53 AM
