Saturday, September 4, 2010
3 more days and it will be two months.
Only two months.
I have no idea how I am going to survive for another two more months.
I know that I have come this far and all but it is tearing me down.
I miss my dad. A lot and a lot.
I have stopped talking about him to people.
I know that it will either make them sad or they’ll think that I’m going crazy.
I feel lost.
Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I say, reminds me of him.
Every movement is empty.
Because he is not here.
I have been holding this in because I don’t want to cry in front of my family.
A family without my dad.
But today I read someone’s blog and she had lost her mom six months ago and I can’t help but cry.
Why must God be so cruel?
Why must he give us this life filled with distractions and then pluck it away?
Just like that?
It’s as if it’s so simple.
But it’s not. Not at all.
As I am crying now, I remember the times my dad used to scold me for crying.
And that we should cry only when someone dies.
Well Appa, you’re dead, can I cry now?
Cry like there’s no tomorrow?
I just cant believe this is happening in my life.
I used to always think what life would be like when someone I love so much passes away.
Now I know.
Life would be cruel.
And you have to go on like nothing’s wrong because time and tide waits for no man.
And there will be this missing puzzle piece that will always be missing.
You will never find it.
You can never find it.
Grief cannot be compared, that is one thing I learnt.
It’s like my life has become a sitcom, with a complication or a conflict waiting to be solved.
There is no solution but you can heal.
Slowly.
There will always be that gaping abyss but atleast the pain will subside, sooner or later.
And I am waiting for that sooner or later.
God knows when it’ll be but I pray it be faster because this pain is getting too much to handle.
Because my dad isn’t here to make me smile anymore.
And may these tears reach him and give him this message:
I miss you.
And I am angry with you.
For leaving us like this.
For leaving me like this.
For not saying goodbye.
For not coming back again.
But I know, that you were in too much of pain and you couldn’t handle it.
It’s okay.
I’ll handle it.
I know I’m crying a lot and you don’t like it but its only for awhile.
I’ll pull myself together.
You just be happy, in a place that I cant see.
Take care of yourself and don’t worry about us.
And I will always love you, Appa.
♥Kanages
1:53 AM
