Sunday, September 26, 2010
For the past week, when I wake up in the morning, there’s only one thought running through my mind. Is Appa back? I know it is going to be almost three months since I last saw him but after sleepless nights trying to convince myself that he is gone, all I can think about now is; when will he be back? Why isn’t he back yet? What’s taking him so long? The first month was easier, people trying to console us, trying to sympathise with us and remembering their good old times with him. Those gestures helped me remember that he was dead. That I don’t have a dad anymore. That I am grieving.
But now, the only thing that reminds me that he is gone forever is his photo hung in our living room. Nothing else. It’s like he’s still here, laughing with us as always. And I always find myself including him in our conversation like he’s at work. And then everyone stares at me and then I bite my tongue, realising that he’s no more. He is no more. Now I know how it really feels to miss a person. You just sit there, talking about how he did this and said that and then you start tearing in silence because it hurts. Somewhere in your heart, there’s this abyss and it gives you a nagging feeling that you cannot get rid of. And you just want to shut it all out. Nothing matters and the only thing that does is the fact that he’s gone. Forever. Never am I going to see him again. Not today, not tomorrow. Not for my birthday. Not for my graduation. Not for my wedding. Not when I need him. Never. And there’s nothing you can do but cry and cry because that’s the only thing that seems to be the solution. Yes, all you do is cry. And all I do is cry. I can’t bear to look at his photos anymore. It just reminds me the awful truth. I can never take photos with him again. He’s never going to tease me for taking so many photos. I miss his voice. I miss the feel of his legs. I miss his taxi. I miss scolding him. I miss calling him Appa. Who am I going to call Appa now? I have no Appa.
Where is my father? Doesn’t he know that I miss him and that I have forgiven him for everything and that I love him so much? Where the fuck is he?
4:22 AM
