Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Okay, I’m way over that ‘I-met-him-on-Saturday-and-cannot-forget-him’ phase.
I haven’t had any contact with him since Sunday and I am feeling fine.
Actually I do feel a little agitated and bitchy because I am not getting what I want, unlike some people who get everything they want. But I have other things on my mind.
Other major things. 1. Like my dad.
I miss him, a lot. I was thinking about the time my sis called me at school to rush down to the hospital and I started crying so badly. Why did he have to die? It changes a lot of things. Big, big changes that choke till you cry for help. I don’t know how the others at home are coping but I’m coping fine, even though I get mini grief attacks that just collapses my world for a few hours before I get distracted with school and money matters. He is gone, forever, and I think this time I started filling up his empty spaces that are never going to have his presence. I don’t know how to start but I guess time will tell me.
2. And some selfish, self-centred, ‘I don’t care how you feel’ kind of people.
Seriously, such people are what I call family. Like in criminal minds, my mom, sister, brother and myself are the Vics (victims) and my other relatives are the unsubs. Victimology is that we are vulnerable, easy to control, say yes to everything kind of Vics. We just nod our heads and then complain and bitch about unsubs once they leave. Our unsubs, on the other hand, are mean, selfish who apparently love us but can still outcast us just because a loved one of ours died. Even though they define themselves as victims, and still claim that they are grieving over my dad’s death, they can have all the fun in the world but we, the Vics, must be confined to our house and schools just because they think we have to. Because apparently, my dad will feel sad if we are happy without him. He’ll be so affected that we shouldn’t even take an holiday. Seriously people, we cry almost every single day because we have lost the head of the family and all you can do is make up silly folk tales and ruin our days even more? You don’t have to share our misery. The least you could do is shut the fuck up.
3. And the fact that I’m losing interesting in school. I need to find motivation a soon as possible. I have a feeling this might be because of some really irritating tutors I have but I’m sure it’ll pass. I’m sure I’ll get used to them like I did to Mr Lee Tee Jong.
4. Firework
I seriously want to learn how to sing Katy Perry’s Firework. At least half of it. It is so sweet of her to come up with such a sweet song. It made me respect her as a singer and not only the one who tries to manipulate Elmo. And I want to sing it other people, in a way to reach out to them. Not everyone can be so thick skinned like me and I’m sure they need things like this to keep them going. Yup, that’s about it but it is serious and major right? You know, I just realised that some things in life, just cannot be expected. It is the specialty in it. It keeps you waiting and waiting and when it finally happens, you don’t even need it after all. Like my father’s death. It is funny that way. It is so unpredictable. And bitchy. You're original, cannot be replaced.
5:59 AM
